Ooops

This is the phrase that should never ever be heard in a lab. And I uttered it today. twice. ok, so maybe once. the second time, it was definately something more colourful than just 'oops...'

zee's back from india, and we spent the better part of Sunday afternoon sorting out the specimens and bagging them. Her mission was successful, from my point of view at least. More crabbies to check through from that missing geographical piece known as the bay of bengal. and she brought in a bonus too.. a really good series of Calappa guerini . I was definately more estatic about that. small cute little thingums. anyway, I decided to take colour pictures of my little precious when disaster struck - i dropped it. ok not so much of a drop then it fell out of my hands and made a headway for the metal bar of the paper cutter. and then i saw little shards of carapace. OH MY GOD.. its broken. and couldn't have been a worst time too.. i broke it right in front of the boss. shit. I felt so bad about it and he was exasperated. you see... its the second specimen of the same species i'd crush. and these little critters are rare. so what could i do except grovel and apologize. i simply had no excuse for my shoddiness and carelessness. will have to try and be more gentle to them specimens next time round... especially more so for little round crabs shaped like eggs and having the approximate carapace thickness of eggs too.

so putting that behind me, i went upstairs to do some DNA prep of some specimens. having painstakingly dried and teased out little bits of shrivelled up meat to be put into eppendorfs, something had to go wrong. my rack got stuck and the little tubes with the tissue spilled out- uncapped! for a moment, there was mayhem and some swearing as i went around recovering the tubes rolling merrily away from me, with a sinking feeling that i'd had lost everything and will have to redo the tissue extraction again. thankfully.. only 3 specimens were lost. but i wasn't into recovering it and redoing the tissue extraction all over again. i was mentall

sigh... this monday isn't turning up well... better hope that things look up tomorrow.. drowning more fruitflies

how true.. from the song currently playing on itunes

i need some time to make sense of something i lost along the ride...

Cerebrum mortuus

that's latin for brain dead. which is incidentally my state of mind. Been trying to translate some descriptions from Latin to English and its been one trying exercise.

Nope, Cassell's Latin Dictionary doesn't have it all either, An example of what I'm trying to decipher

Femora depressa, ob-cuneata. Secundum and tertian par pedum subteres, versus apicem compressum, police nullo, leave, digito subulato.

??????????

The Drugs Don't Work

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down
And I hope you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

But I know I'm on a losing streak
'Cause I passed down my old street
And if you wanna show, then just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

'Cause baby, ooh, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

'Cause baby, ooh, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

But if you wanna show, just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again

I'm never going down, I'm never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
I'm never coming down, I'm never going down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
(Repeat and Fade Out)

(THE VERVE)

I know I don't act or sound it, but I've been going through a bad patch recently. Not just with work, but with non academic distractions as well. And I feel resentful that my current commitments prevent me from pursuing my dreams, to realise them in a way I know I will be complete with it.

So in a nut shell, I'm screwed. I can't seem to get by each day thinking if only I could drop everything and run away. But then again, the realist in me starts shouting that I won't be happy if I really took off either. Nowhere to go, with half baked qualifications. Being broke sure as hell doesn't help. So I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place. So what am I to do? Plans to London are scrapped indefinately, just as well. Manuel emailed the other day saying that its 1deg there. And it's only November! I guess December will be even worse. It'll be a long cold december then.

I guess this is a demon only I can overcome. If only I had some help, but it seems to be a long and lonely road to recovery. I don't know how long it'll take and how I'll turn out at the end of it all. At least Z has told me that she'll be planning to camp overnight alot more after India. It's a good idea, for us to work together towards something tangible. Its probably alot like when Adie and I trained up for 2.4km run for IPPT during our college days. We'd run together, 2 not so fit and sporty slugs. She'd pace me when I was not up for it, and I would reciprocate on other days, making sure that no matter what, we'd get to our final destination at a timing that would ensure our pass. This whole dissertation write up business sounds alot like a long and lonely run, and I'm glad she asked me along for the run.

I'll be so glad when this week is over. No more meaningless assignments to do, and I can try to concentrate on the paper. I know I am capable of much better, but the events of the last few months has been taking its toll on me. I wake up in the morning drained, no matter how much sleep I had the night before. I guess all these have to be changed. I can't promise anything, but its high time i snapped out of my own little bubble world.

2 down, 2 to go

I finally handed in my assignment this morning. at last, i can get on with doing other more important tasks at hand, like writing up the paper. last night, i was at the computer when a glassy eyed jeremy walked in, lookes like the blue screen of death has struck. it was past 12 actually, and he was wandering around looking to see if they were no life post grads still hanging around! i think he was consoled by my presence, and even more so after i told him that M was still somewhere too. Jeremy doesn't wander up to the second floor often, so i guess he must have been pretty lonely in his lab. hehe.

on anotehr note, the trip to DBS with teuteberg got canned. we'll go tomorrow instead. i hope not to put it off, because the feeling of complacency over my financial status is creeping back. I just bought some stuff off ebay. I need to save! but the jeans were going at a super deal. less than SGD40 inclusive shipping! G star some more! never mind that it's one size too small... i figure that i might be able to sell it if i really can't get in it. so maybe i should start eating less from today on

Full circle

I've been spending alot of time with fellow sufferers of self inflicted BioD pain recently. M and Samy from the bird lab, Z. Especially M and Z. Been sleeping over quite a bit too. Why now? I guess Otterman was right when he remarked some time ago that I didn't have anyone from the department to hang out with after work (then). And now, owing to circumstances, its come full circle. Its a pretty good feeling to hang out doing work after the regular 'office hours' ( By the way, the 5 day week thingum is BS, especially for us poor grad students). Having dinner together, either out or just a plain sandwich in the lab, bitching about our work, and the occasional night out in town.

The other night, M,Z and I watched 'Before Sunset'. It was an impromptu decision. Z asked me late afternoon, and on our way out, bumped into M and managed to convince her that a movie is a way better idea than ironing 2 weeks worth of laundry. It was worth it for me. The company and the movie. Reviews for BS had been good, and i was looking forward to watching it. And i'm glad I did. But sometimes, reel life imitates real life and this one was especially close. For all three of us. So while we all liked it, the unmistakable feeling of grief sunk in soon after the movie and we returned to lab in a melancholic mood. A beer or two would have been nice, but we had other pressing concerns, like the report, which is over and done at the moment. Well...moving on to the paper from now on till 27th. here's to more late nights and good company!

the slow ride up the rollercoaster

nothing much to report lately, because it seems that everything is happening AT ONCE. in the next couple of weeks, I have 3 reports to hand in, a couple of papers to write. I shouldn't be whinging so much about it though, because this is all self inflicted. I could have had a nice and early start to all these, but because of my other non-academic distractions, they've been put back till the very last minute. A little complacency is a bad thing.

And to top is all off, the icing of the cake is that i've been down with a dry hacking cough and sore throat the last week. And, it's making its rounds to the rest of my colleagues, as well as the visitor to the lab. i've taken it upon myself to do work in the library from now on. Colleague on my right is preparing for a very important presentation (PhD defence) and can't afford to catch my bug. oh well.. in any case, with the weather the way it is the last couple of weeks. Anyone is susceptible.

and in other new.... hmmm. what news? i haven't been reading the newspaper, don't know what's going on in the greater world at large. oh yes.. i have a ticket to london leaving 28th Nov! But don't know if i can make it.. after all... I have all these deadlines to meet.. damn.. hindsight is always 20/20.

*cough* :(